it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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