So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
