I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
