We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize