I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The air taste purple.
Randomize