I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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