So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
