i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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