What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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