honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
