i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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