Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
