She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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