ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
