i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
