I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
