My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
