i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
