Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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