Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize