I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
