Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
