if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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