As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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