apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
