If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
