its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
