I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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