I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
