I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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