I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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