Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
