Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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