You're so nebulous sometimes
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I can't put those talents on a resume
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
