If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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