Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
