I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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