the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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