I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
