Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
