You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
