It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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