So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he puts the penis in happiness.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
