I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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