Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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