I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
