Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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