Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize