So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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