my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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