just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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