did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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