I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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