I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
