In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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