Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
