i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
