My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i came on her dog
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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